Friends

 

'Friend', is a word that I find myself redefining throughout the years. When I was 6, I assumed the word 'friend' referred to my lunch-mate, whom I did not mind sharing my stuffed purple dinosaur with. At age 10, 'friend' meant someone that shared my every interest, someone that agreed to everything I said. 'Friend' was the person I shared my insignificant little girl secrets with. 'Friend' was also the person I tended to compromise for, even when I really did not want to. At the time, the thought of losing someone with such a title was far more terrifying than the satisfaction of getting things done my way.

At 13, the word 'friend' took on a deeper meaning. At 13, 'friend' was defined as a person whom acted as the extension of your own body. 'Friend' meant partner, definite desk-mate and the go-to person for all angsty teenage woes. 'Friend' meant the person you gossiped with during the 20 minutes of recess, the one person you felt comfortable sharing your silly post-pubescent insecurities with.

At 16, however, I found out that the word 'friend' had one more definition. Saviour. At 16, I realized that fifteen people with completely contrasting personalities and completely contradicting stands could save me. I realized that hot tempered ex-delinquent, a hard-core school athlete with a soft heart, a top seat member of the school prefectorial board, a happy-go-lucky wally, a jokester, an innocent food-ist with unwavering religious beliefs, a sarcastic wallflower could all co-exist as very very very good friends. 

This year, I learnt that my friends were the people who picked me up when I'm down. The people who knew how long it took for me to give up. The people who held me close when I just about to. Friends were the people who listened to me when my parents didn't. The people I shared my deepest hopes and darkest fear with. The people that I loved. The people I would sacrifice anything for. 'Friend' referred to all the fifteen individuals that knew how to made me laugh when I was angry, that took the time to hold me as I cried. (you know who you are)

A person could have one friend, or they could have a hundred. In the year 2013, I found my true friends. I could a-count for all of them with just two of my tiny hands. 7 girls 8 guys, fifteen true friends. Fifteen character who have so richly lived and developed before my very eyes to the point where I would find myself struggling to find the sufficient words within the infinite number that the English Language has to offer for the simple task of describing their biological makeup. These fifteen people have stood by me during my heartache and have laughed with me when my heart soared. I would do whatever it takes to repay them for their friendship x

Break ups

Wouldn't it be awesome if a relationship has an expiry date? Well at least you would be ready for that day to come, instead of holding on a false hope. At least you will love that particular person to the bits, and let him go with peace. At least you will know that things had already fall down, instead of playing with the word "why"

Breaking up is never easy, I know. The urge to get back with your ex will occurs to you since you are used to the routine that both of you shares. But you cant's just run back to him and tell him how sad you are because that just sounds pathetic. And you did that because you're feeling so insecure at the moment? How selfish are you? So the only thing that you're capable to do is cry. But it's okay, tears will dry in no time.

I believe that breaking up is not just about teary eyes and f up mind. It's more than that. It's how you deal with your life after the break up; how you're going to wake up the very next day without his cute good morning/good night text messages, how you're going to face the world alone without his inspirational sayings inside your mind, how you're going to need to replace his little voice with some random songs, how you need to find new hobbies to fill the gap of missing him, how you're going to smile without even faking it and how you will find out who's really there for you through thick and thin.

I have to tell you, not every relationship going to work out perfectly, even a long term relationship can lead the couple to a dead end. It's not the matter of who's right or wrong in that relationship. It's not the matter of trying to find their little weaknesses. The important question is, are you ready to make a commitment? Would you put everything aside for the one that you truly love? x

For real

This time for real.

It's get lonely don't you think? "Friends" funny shit. They're everywhere. Fake friends, so-called-friend, true friends maybe. But I don't live life for commitment on what I don't know if its even real. I take the risk of trying but not trusting. Come in whenever you want, leave when you feel like it. That's how they roll. They don't give a shit. They don't know you. They're just phases to me. I put no hopes on them. What they say or think of me doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter. I mean really what do they know? yeah, exactly. Probably nothing. Don't let people tell you how to live your life.

I don't mind really. I choose being this way. I find happiness in all this devastation. I find peace in solitude. I see the beauty in the beast. Maybe one day, just maybe it'll change. Maybe this will change. Maybe I will change.

Now, I'm just holding on to what I have. I'm just appreciating the ones who have stayed, who never left. I'm trying to get my head straight once again. Clearing my path, going back on track.

Have you ever sit and wonder why the hell do you even give a shit? I'm flying you see. I'm way out of my mind but my feet is still touching the ground. Wasting my time, wasting my life on nothing at all. What's up with that? And you know what, screw what everyone else thinks. I'll laugh when I feel like it. I'll jump, I'll shout just cause I feel like it. I'll dress how ever I want to. I'll say what I feel, imma do me. Eyes on me, mouth open, judge what you see, you don't know me. Bullshit I don't buy, no I ain't gonna cry.

One thing for sure, I don't know how to feel anymore. I'm being heartless because of you x